Thammasat University students who are interested in education, biology, psychology, psychiatry, sociology, and related subjects may find a newly acquired book useful.

The Emotional Lives of Teenagers: Raising Connected, Capable, and Compassionate Adolescents is by Dr. Lisa Damour, an American clinical psychologist.

The TU Library collection includes several books about different aspects of the psychology of adolescence.

Dr. Damour argues that adolescents naturally feel extreme emotions, both positive and negative.

Yet the wellness industry suggests that to feel good, people should always be balanced and calm.

So, Damour notes, some people become afraid of being unhappy.

Teenagers who might not always feel relaxed or delighted all the time have an impression that they have somehow failed at wellness.

Some schools have added classes in meditation and yoga to their educational curriculum to increase wellbeing of students, some of whom claim to be anxious or depressed at times.

Damour considers mindfulness practices valuable, but observes that they do not always necessarily lead to happiness or prevent negative feelings.

Dr. Damour writes:

Twenty years ago, I still felt myself to be part of a broader society that accepted, albeit begrudgingly, that painful feelings are a natural part of life. Today, I am trying to figure out how uncomfortable feelings came to be seen as psychological states that ought to be prevented or, failing that, banished as quickly as possible. What changed? How did essential aspects of the human condition become unacceptable?

The point is that happiness should not be the required goal of any wellness exercise for young people.

Expecting what may not naturally occur can remove the value of the exercise itself.

Instead, students should be encouraged to better understand their emotional lives and the surrounding world through wellness and traditional eductional practices.

Children should have fun while learning about their minds in relation to the world.

This will teach them to get through difficult times as well as easier ones.

On social media, where students receive much of their mental health information, supposed experts or influencers try to sell approaches that guarantee happiness.

Dr. Damour warns that by following such misleading guides, young people are convinced that they can prevent anxiety and emotional distress.

But some negative experiences are usual in student life, from academic struggles to other life challenges.

She worries that the wellness movement has left parents and their children unduly frightened of standard, usual adversity.

The fact is, people can grow and develop by learning to get through difficult times.

All of the wellness information that is now available online has not made students feel better than others in the past.

The Coronavirus disease 2019 (Covid-19) pandemic also caused anxiety among young people who were unable to have fun in social interactions that way past generations have done.

Dr. Damour reminds the reader that mental health does not mean always feeling good.

Context is everything, so mental health means having the right feelings at the right time.

After getting a low grade on an exam, it is natural to feel disappointment.

A high grade should naturally result in a sense of pride.

Teenagers feel emotions more strongly than older adults.

Dr. Damour admits:

It can be very unsettling at times to parent teenagers because their emotions are so powerful. As the mother of two teenagers myself, there have been times where if I weren’t a psychologist who knew this [behavior] was in the normal range, it would be terrifying.

According to neurologists, this emotional intensity actually peaks around age thirteen or fourteen.

At this time, children naturally start to separate themselves from what they see as the example of their parents.

So they might suddenly object to the fashion sense of their mother or the taste in music of their father.

Teenagers go through this intense phase on their way to becoming independent.

When youngsters become extremely critical, parents are advised to try to engage as little as possible.

While parents can advise young people that it is important not to be rude or unkind to people, it is also a good idea to give them room to work things out for themselves.

Parent cannot fix everything for their children.

Just listening to their concerns may be helpful for their emotional balance.

It is best to just repeat in a few words what the student has been saying to show that the parent has been listening to the problem, without necessarily adding any solution.

Students who are not talkative about the issues they are facing can be taught to increase their vocabulary for describing emotion.

Classroom discussions of short stories or films may support instructors’ work in this area.

Dr. Damour recommends that children can feel better after going for a run, or taking time off to play a videogame.

Since teenagers will experience emotional highs and lows, parents and instructors can help most by remaining calm and steadying the upheavals of childhood experience.

The publisher’s description of the book reads in part:

In teenagers, powerful emotions come with the territory. And as teens contend with with academic pressure, social media stress, worries about the future, and concerns about their own mental health, it’s easy for them—and their parents—to feel anxious and overwhelmed. But it doesn’t have to be that way.

Parents who read this book will learn:

• what to expect in the normal course of adolescent emotional development and when it’s time to worry
• why teens (and adults) need to understand that mental health isn’t about “feeling good” but about having feelings that fit the moment, even if those feelings are unwanted or painful
• strategies for supporting teens who feel at the mercy of their emotions, so they can become psychologically aware and skilled at managing their feelings
• how to approach common challenges that come with adolescence, such as friction at home, spiking anxiety, risky behavior, navigating friendships and romances, the pull of social media, and many more
• the best ways to stay connected to their teens and how to provide the kind of relationship that adolescents need and want […]

One reviewer suggested:

Careful listening is a theme throughout the book. […]

 “We hate to see our teens suffer, and reflexively we attempt to ease their distress by trying to chase from the field whatever caused it,” she writes. “A teen says she doesn’t like the timing of the shifts she’s been assigned at work, and we tell her that she should talk to her manager. A teen is angry that a classmate swooped in and stole his prom date, and we list off other classmates he could ask.”

But often putting their feelings into words is its own relief, and we have to be careful not to shut their words down with our solutions. Our best bet is to truly listen. […]

Early in the COVID-19 pandemic, Damour’s high school daughter was listing all the ways that school had become a joyless experience: no clubs, no games, no hallway chatter. Just tests and homework.

“I listened like an editor, and when she was finally spent, I said: ‘It sounds like school is now all vegetables and no dessert,’” Damour writes. “She appreciated and accepted that headline and, at least for the time being, felt better. Putting her frustration into words and then hearing me use my words to encapsulate her experience was enough to bring her discomfort down to a tolerable level.”

With clear, research-informed explanations alongside illuminating, real-life examples, The Emotional Lives of Teenagers gives parents the concrete, practical information they need to steady their teens through the bumpy yet transformational journey into adulthood.

(All images courtesy of Wikimedia Commons)